Deb Running

I’m back to training again more regularly. I was in a funk for a while, but now I’m finally finding my groove again. I put in a 6 miler last week, a few 2 and 3 milers in the last few weeks, and think I’m ready to run again. It’s not as much of a struggle to get started – and I feel pretty good. The biggest battle is getting started on a run. Mentally, I’m a procrastinator in a lot of things I do and running is no exception. Once I’m engaged in the activity or even getting ready to partake, I’m fine.

Regardless, I’m glad the funk is over and I’m finding my stride again. Speaking of stride, last night my foot strike was a little weird. Not sure what’s up with that, but sometimes you just have a blah run or something is off. I know to just not let it bug me and move forward. My next run that little issue may be a thing of the past. If it becomes a pattern, then I’ll know to pay more attention to it.

I have about 5 more weeks until my next half. I know I have it in me to finish it, but I also am realistic that I’m still moving too slow and it will be close. I’ll battle the sweepers a good part of the run – and you know what? I’m okay with that too. As long as I’m moving my body in a forward motion and trying to make a difference in getting healthier, it’s a win/win and there’s no shame in that.

Keep moving and grooving my friends, that’s what I’ll be doing too. If you see me doing a sad little shuffle during a run, don’t pity my sluggish turtle pace, give me a high five or a thumbs up because I haven’t given up yet! Carry on!

I’ve been struggling with my identity this week. I guess I didn’t really want to look at it. A simple tiny text message from a friend made me sit and think about what my issue has been this week. You see, I’ve been sort of down this last week or so since I’m not running much…I’m just not myself.

I’m the type of person who needs to analyze myself so I understand what causes my feelings – just who I am. Anyway, with this tailbone injury flaring up again lately – it’s got me seeking out alternative treatments. I started going to the chiropractor to see if I can get some relief. Is that what’s bothering me? The pain? I don’t think so….I dug deeper to see what it was…

It’s ego. Plain and simple.

Most of my life – at least the last twenty years or so – my mind has labeled myself the “fat girl”. Face it, when you’re over 200 pounds, your brain goes there. It’s a label I’ve worn for so many years…but something happened when I started running.

The label in my brain changed. I was no longer “the fat girl” to myself…I was now “the runner, plus size runner albeit, but I was running and I was a runner”. What a huge change in my attitutde over the last 8 months of this running journey.

After seeing myself as “a fat girl” for 20 years, I finally saw myself as more than that. I was a runner – something to be proud of. Man, you don’t know how hard it is to watch friends on Facebook or other places make comments about “getting stuck next to the fat person” on the plane, or how “fat people are lazy”, or this or that…hey, I’ve made peace with my weight the best way I can – but it still stings. Let’s face it….a lot of people don’t like fat girls. It’s a judgement of who I am based on my hips and belly.

…but when I was running half marathons and logging double digit training miles – I was something else. I was a runner in training. I wasn’t the fat girl anymore to people…I was the girl who was trying hard to make a change in her life. A girl who was trying, no matter how slow she is, she’s moving and wow, how great she’s making an effort….she’s a runner.

Not running right now – since my tailbone area swells after a run and causes me pain for a good 2 days, is really playing havoc on my mind. I never really thought about how running not only helped my ego, but kept depression at bay, and made me relabel who I was….even to myself.

Guess my brain is stuck on “I’m just a fat girl mode” again – and I hope to get moving again shortly. The last adjustment I had gave me a lot of hope….I’m ready to be a runner again….even if I’m a plus size runner. It gives me so much inside of myself…something I didn’t have for a very long time in my life.

It’s hard to put this out there…but honesty is what it’s all about. I know there are other plus size people out there struggling too…I want you to know – you can do this. I’ll be back to training soon. I have a half marathon I plan on being a part of in October, and I won’t take no for an answer….but right now, I’m playing head games with myself. Head games happen…it’s just climbing out of the pit to clear your head. That’s what I’m working on now. Now that I’ve faced what is truly bothering me – I can fix it.

Thanks to all my buddies who are there for me. It truly means a lot to me, and thanks to a special running friend who took a moment out of her day for checking up on me. It really helped me realize I needed to look at what was going on. Didn’t realize other people could see me sliding — xoxo

If you can’t change a situation, change your perspective of the situation…that’s where I’m at. I’m an injured runner. Period. Letting go of my fat girl label that I’ve plagued with myself this last week.

This post is dedicated to my friend Amy. She’s a new runner and I’m super proud of her. She’s working on her C25k right now – and really making great strides. She’s a neat person and a really great friend. I met Amy online about 4-5 years ago and through the years she’s taught me to be more honest with myself, among many other things. We’ve gotten together a couple of times in person too. She’s one of the people I can get most raw with and share really tough feelings with. I really cherish Amy as a friend – she’s been something wonderful the internet has given me. The other thing about Amy is her sense of humor, and we’re similar with a tough wit and sarcastic edge. We can rib each other and know not to take offense.

Anyway, one of the topics we got onto recently was about running and running gear. Now, we all know I’m a gear geek and love all the goodies that go along with running. I love my Garmin, I love my Camelbak, I love my Running Skirts, my SpiBelt, my iPod and my Sensheiser headphones that can handle a lot of sweat. I love my Shot Bloks and I love my Gatorade. Did I mention how much I love my Asics? Oh, I’m a brand champion too, right?

We were talking about headsets and the such, and I mentioned I wear a Spibelt and let my wire run up across my chest – and pointed to a picture so she could see. This one:

….and she was like, that’s a lot of crap you’re wearing! Yup, sure is…and yup, would drive other people crazy. What you’re seeing is a picture of me running a half marathon. You see running 3 miles and running 13 miles are two different animals.

On a 3 mile run, this is what I look like:

I just took this picture this afternoon – after running 3 miles. (Yes, my face gets that red – I have Rosacea, so I get red REALLY FAST, and stay red for awhile) –I don’t need to think about fuel. I don’t need to worry about lining up at a race line 2 hours early at Disney (the pic above, have gloves and a headband tucked in my shoulder there)….

…what I need to worry about for 3 miles is keeping my shoulders loose, keeping my hands up so my fingers don’t swell – and remembering to wait 20 mins before hopping in the shower so I don’t come out of the shower still sweating.

Running 13 miles I need to worry about blisters that might form at mile 8 or 9 and I keep spare Vaseline in the pocket of my Camelbak – or God forbid I have to pee at mile 10 and there’s no bathroom handy, so I keep a tissue in the pocket too – just in case. If I’ve driven myself I have to put my car keys and phone somewhere, so they get tossed in there too…

…so there you have it. I gear up for longer runs and races, and gear down for shorter distances.

ROTErs do Disney (I’m on the far left)

Ernie and Deb – Epcot

What happens when you find yourself talking to running friends on a regular basis online – even when you’re in different states? You get together whenever you can….especially on vacation! I knew I wasn’t a natural runner and to keep myself in the right mental shape to take on running longer distances – that I needed some extra motivation. For me, that came into play when I found some running friends online.

I am surrounded by people who run 5k’s, 10k’s, 1/2 marathons and marathons on an ongoing basis. This keeps the running mindset in focus for me. Talking about running often helps me want to keep running, and inspires me to want to try harder, do more and try things I had never thought of.

- Running friends taught me how to plan races behind your next to keep you going.

- Running friends taught me how to understand what it felt like to bond with other runners doing the same thing as yourself.

- Running friends taught me how to believe in myself when I was struggling.

-Running friends taught me to keep going when I wanted to stop.

- Running friends taught me that it’s okay to be slow, just keep trying.

- Running friends taught me how to support and guide others in their running journey.

…..and running friends taught me that they talk about food and drink all the time! haaaaa — donuts, pizza, nachos, happy hours, margaritas, beer, you name it – and it’s dangerous and contagious and if you don’t keep it in check and actually eat all the things they talk about, you’ll be in trouble….thx gang!

Lastly, my special group of running friends taught me that the bond you can create while training is an incredible thing. These are just a few of my running friends….and man, oh man….do I adore each and every one of them.

It’s that time again. Time to start moving – only this time there isn’t any hesitation. I know what I’m capable of and that has helped my confidence a ton. I know that with time you build your endurance. I know you build up slowly so you don’t injure yourself. I know how to stay on schedule, and I know what my goal is….

It’s time to start moving again.

My next half marathon is in early October and I’ll be starting my training schedule this weekend. It will feel good to move my body again beyond what I’ve done the last few weeks. I’m looking forward to the feeling of a good worn out “I did it” feeling again. I’m anticipating the build of longer runs weekly. I’m excited to watch my progress again….now it’s just one foot in front of the other.

My next half marathons fall in October 2010 (Wine/Dine – Disney), November 2010 (Amish Half) and then February 2011 (Princess/Disney), and probably April 2011 (Bucks County). Nothing else is written in stone, but those four are my focus at this point.

The journey starts with one step. The fear is gone – since I’ve completed three others – now it’s about improving on my times. The battle is with the voice inside my head and my body pushing me to go farther, faster and stronger – when my mind says I’m done.

I’ve been totally unmotivated the last few weeks. Who knew it would turn out to be a blessing in disguise? I certainly didn’t, but let me tell you what’s going on….I think my tailbone issue may be starting to budge.

After 6 months of tailbone pain – I had a day yesterday where I could actually stand and not suck air and catch my breath standing up from a seated position. I only “hurt” on standing. Now, that may sound funny – but for 6 solid months, getting out of a car has been excruciating, and standing from a seated position on my rocking chair or kitchen chair has been downright painful! Like, holy crap that hurt kind of pain.

Then yesterday when I went to get out of the car, I was like, gee that hurt, but didn’t suck air. Last night getting up from my chair, anticipating the shock that comes from getting up, I was pleasantly surprised to get an “ouch that hurt” not a “Dear GOD, help me now” feeling.

So on that note, I’m going to not do anything for a little longer and see if I can heal this bad boy once and for all.

I took a spill down the stairs in January, and it’s been 6 LONG months! During that time though, I ran in 3 half marathons, and continued to train, walk, run, you name it….just haven’t stopped. I’m stopping for another week or so, and if it helps, another 2 weeks. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to my training in July since I have 2 more halves coming up in the fall – but for now – the word of the day is REST!

Woohoo, my REAR END may be on the mend!

Congratulations to the “Two Gomers” — they completed their first marathon this weekend! I just wanted to send a hearty WAY TO GO GUYS their way. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet, what are you waiting for?

Yes, I’ve lost my first toenail….and here’s what it looks like. I took a picture for you, since I’m a geek like that! Anyway, I’m minding my own business and bump into the dog food bag as I’m feeding our dogs. Hey, what’s up with that? Felt a tiny tender, almost like the start of an ingrown toenail or something – so I bend down to check it, and notice the corner lifts up and next thing I know the entire thing comes off! It wasn’t even connected, it was just along for the ride apparently….nice, freeloader.

Anyway, I was so happy there was ZERO pain involved, because it sort of freaked me out. I was like…what the heck just happened? That happens to other people, not me. Other runners do “serious” mileage, and I’m closer to slacker territory when it comes to running lately.

My shoes fit great, most the time you see “upsize your shoes”, etc…not my problem. I wear men’s for my wide feet and upsized a tiny, I love my shoes and they fit perfectly….my issue came from running downhills. How do I know? I remember the sensation of a “bruised” feeling on my toe after some mondo, steep downhills during one of my races. Guess that tiny iota you slide in your shoes on downhills had an impact.

So there she is in all her glory – telling me – “You’re a runner”….how cool is that? I’m a runner after all.

I’m afraid if I stop, I’ll just sit down and do nothing. I do nothing really well. I’ve had a lot of time and experience doing nothing. It’s a struggle to keep moving. I read or hear about people loving exercise, loving running, loving it all….each and every single time I move – I have to talk myself into it. I thought after enough time – the “sparkly, loving feeling” would kick in. Yeah – not so much.

It’s okay, I know to keep moving because my body is seeing the rewards. Inside my body and outside of my body there are good, healthy changes happening. I need to keep going – I still have a long way to go. Maybe after 2 years or 3 years I’ll get that “love of exercise” feeling – and if it doesn’t come, I’ll know what I’m doing is still worth it.

I signed up for another half in November. That means I am doing a half marathon in October, and then another a few weeks later – AGAIN – voluntarily in November. Why did I go looking for more? What is wrong with me? Why do I want to keep going when it doesn’t even feel that great? Well…finishing something that big – 13 miles in a race feels AMAZING, even if the training isn’t all that much fun. It tickles something inside of me – that ME, even with my age, my size, my shape, and even coming in last place over and over again – it feels AMAZING. I think it’s pride. Pride feels pretty damn good!

Either way, I’m not giving up yet, in fact I have a goal to get better….that’s my plan, get better one minute at a time. I’m in no hurry. I have 2 more half marathons planned for this year, and 3 for next year. I just want to improve a little bit at a time. It’s sort of like golf, you’re playing against yourself really – to improve your own game.

I guess there is challenge without disappointment. Even coming in last place, I feel great because I did it. If I can beat my last time be even a minute, it’s a reward, so I can try at my pace, and come out feeling okay either way. Maybe that’s it – I like the challenge. Don’t know….but I’m hanging in there – because I have the desire to keep going for now….so that’s what I’ll do – KEEP GOING!

This weekend I participated in the Superhero Half Marathon in Morristown, NJ. I rocked that race! Okay, stop laughing…I’m kidding. I did finish….but I didn’t set any records. In fact I came in dead last. It’s true…I was their last finisher, but let me tell you – I felt just as much pride as anybody who finishes a half marathon feels. It wasn’t my first time finishing a half marathon, and it wasn’t my first time being last. I was last at the Bucks County Half Marathon too — but you know what? I’m totally okay with that. I went out there, gave it what I had – and I finished it. Nobody can tell you how incredible it feels. I stuck with it….even when it hurt, and I didn’t want to keep going….I kept going. I just kept moving….one step at a time…and step-by-step, I got there.

This was an inaugural event, I was really impressed with how well this event was handled. Plenty of support on the course, police covered traffic well, lots of neighborhood crowd support, lots of porta potties, etc – and one event I would certainly do again. I think they did an excellent job for their first event. (held in Morristown, NJ)

One other small thing I wanted to mention – Today was my attempt at completing 3 half marathons in a 90 day period. (I reached that goal! Woohoo….completed 3 half marathons in 71 days!)

- I’m still struggling with a lot of pain in my messed up tailbone, but I didn’t use it as an excuse.

- I broke out in shingles earlier this week (3rd time!), but I didn’t use it as an excuse.

- I woke up with a fever, but I didn’t use it as an excuse.

- It was my female time of the month, but I didn’t use it as an excuse.

- I had a personal issue that threw me for a loop this week, but I didn’t use it as an excuse.

I showed up at the start line just like everybody else. I decided that I was going to just get out there and do what I could. My goal was to finish…and that was what I kept in my mind….just make it to the finish line. If I can do it quicker than I usually do, great, but if not – just don’t stop, keep going.

Sometimes it can feel a little embarrassing coming in so far behind everyone else….dead last finish, but you know what – I went 13.1 miles…where’s the shame in that? I reminded myself as I rolled up on the finish that I had just spent a good long portion of my morning putting one foot in front of the other, and accomplishing something huge. It was okay – because I did it. Nobody can do it for you….it’s only you and your body out there, and you have to battle your body and your mind in those moments when you’re tired. This time — I won.

I’m proud to say I have now officially finished 3 half marathons, and I hold my head high….because I did it. Nobody did it for me….I put my body through the paces, and I pulled it off…again. That’s a nice word….AGAIN….I did it AGAIN! Cool feeling.