I’ve been struggling with my identity this week. I guess I didn’t really want to look at it. A simple tiny text message from a friend made me sit and think about what my issue has been this week. You see, I’ve been sort of down this last week or so since I’m not running much…I’m just not myself.
I’m the type of person who needs to analyze myself so I understand what causes my feelings – just who I am. Anyway, with this tailbone injury flaring up again lately – it’s got me seeking out alternative treatments. I started going to the chiropractor to see if I can get some relief. Is that what’s bothering me? The pain? I don’t think so….I dug deeper to see what it was…
It’s ego. Plain and simple.
Most of my life – at least the last twenty years or so – my mind has labeled myself the “fat girl”. Face it, when you’re over 200 pounds, your brain goes there. It’s a label I’ve worn for so many years…but something happened when I started running.
The label in my brain changed. I was no longer “the fat girl” to myself…I was now “the runner, plus size runner albeit, but I was running and I was a runner”. What a huge change in my attitutde over the last 8 months of this running journey.
After seeing myself as “a fat girl” for 20 years, I finally saw myself as more than that. I was a runner – something to be proud of. Man, you don’t know how hard it is to watch friends on Facebook or other places make comments about “getting stuck next to the fat person” on the plane, or how “fat people are lazy”, or this or that…hey, I’ve made peace with my weight the best way I can – but it still stings. Let’s face it….a lot of people don’t like fat girls. It’s a judgement of who I am based on my hips and belly.
…but when I was running half marathons and logging double digit training miles – I was something else. I was a runner in training. I wasn’t the fat girl anymore to people…I was the girl who was trying hard to make a change in her life. A girl who was trying, no matter how slow she is, she’s moving and wow, how great she’s making an effort….she’s a runner.
Not running right now – since my tailbone area swells after a run and causes me pain for a good 2 days, is really playing havoc on my mind. I never really thought about how running not only helped my ego, but kept depression at bay, and made me relabel who I was….even to myself.
Guess my brain is stuck on “I’m just a fat girl mode” again – and I hope to get moving again shortly. The last adjustment I had gave me a lot of hope….I’m ready to be a runner again….even if I’m a plus size runner. It gives me so much inside of myself…something I didn’t have for a very long time in my life.
It’s hard to put this out there…but honesty is what it’s all about. I know there are other plus size people out there struggling too…I want you to know – you can do this. I’ll be back to training soon. I have a half marathon I plan on being a part of in October, and I won’t take no for an answer….but right now, I’m playing head games with myself. Head games happen…it’s just climbing out of the pit to clear your head. That’s what I’m working on now. Now that I’ve faced what is truly bothering me – I can fix it.
Thanks to all my buddies who are there for me. It truly means a lot to me, and thanks to a special running friend who took a moment out of her day for checking up on me. It really helped me realize I needed to look at what was going on. Didn’t realize other people could see me sliding — xoxo
If you can’t change a situation, change your perspective of the situation…that’s where I’m at. I’m an injured runner. Period. Letting go of my fat girl label that I’ve plagued with myself this last week.
