New Runner

The last 6 weeks or so have been an adjustment period for me. I’ve had to give up gluten, wheat, oat, rye, all dairy except hard cheeses, tunafish, potatoes (THAT was hard!), tomatoes, all nuts except walnuts, soy (limiting, super hard to find almost any product without it), along with a few other things….so I’m doing things like having coconut milk over some interesting gluten-free cereal….

Needless to say, my entire world was flipped upside down. As I adjusted to my new eating patterns, I pretty much stopped doing anything. I wanted to focus on one thing specifically. It didn’t take me long though to get it together. After about 2-3 weeks, I was ready to get back on track.

I’ve been lifting weights with a trainer 1-2x a week (based on my schedule) and I love it. I did this a few years back and loved it then as well. I’d like to maintain 2x a week for awhile after I get back from a big trip I’m going on with my son. I’ve also gotten myself back to running – and am once again struggling with consistency. It’s funny, because I love how I feel after I run, and I like that I’m doing it as I’m going through the process, but in my head – I dread getting started.

I’m trying to change that perspective in my mind…I’m usually pretty good about that. In fact, with all the food changes, by changing my perspective and having a great attitude, it made it so much easier and not a struggle. And yet, with running I can’t get over the hump.

I have a half scheduled in late August and one in February. I am very much looking forward to the one in February, as it has a long time limit, and I can do what I can do without feeling rushed. As for August, I like the course, but will wait to see if I’m trained enough – I won’t go in way undertrained and injure myself. I’ll be away for a couple of weeks, and when I return, if I get back on track with consistency, I may be able to still pull it off – just going to wait to call it. I’d love to get another half under my belt – to help with my confidence, but I also understand what’s involved, and if I don’t put the work in, I won’t push that day just to prove a point.

If I work for it, I’ll do it…thank goodness I’m getting the weight workouts in, so I’m still exercising. I also wonder if in my brain I let myself off the hook, because I all ready got a work out in. Not sure what’s going on – but I’m not finished yet – that I’m sure of.

As for the gluten and other food intolerance issues – I hope to retest in about 6 months to a year and maybe I’ll get some of those foods back. Gluten/wheat will not be allowed back into my diet at all, but hopefully potatoes will be allowed again at some point! I can say I feel amazing. My joints no longer swell at my ankles or hands/fingers, and the heavy bloat I always feel is completely gone! I hope it helps me lose some weight over time. I’m down 8 pounds, but it will be a long, slow journey. Thankfully running has taught me perseverance!

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It’s hard to be honest with yourself. Sometimes you aren’t sure if you’re lying to yourself to make you feel better, or if you are just perplexed by options. I’ve been struggling with my training this cycle, and while I’m pushing out a few longer runs, I’m just not feeling the way I have in the past – motivated and really even interested in going far. I all ready know I can go far when I have to….I’ve done it multiple times now.

The question has come up – what is my actual goal as a runner this year?

Do I want to “just hang on and survive” a half marathon to prove to myself I can still do it? Or do I want to become a stronger runner and work on improving my time and consistency?

Sometimes I want to do both. Here’s the thing – I’m a member of a large running club, and there are some amazing people there….truly amazing. Pushing out marathon after marathon, relays, half marathons, pushing speed, pushing themselves on a regular basis. There are some serious runners, and some casual runners.

I start to wonder if I am pushing myself for longer distances to prove that I can. I all ready proved that I could. I have my half fanatic #, I proved to myself that I could do it over and over last year.

I had hoped to do Princess again to see how much I’ve improved over a year’s time. The problem is, I’m not improving. I’m hanging on, just like last year. Sure I can “survive” and finish another half marathon – but where’s my true goal lie?

This has been playing out in my mind for a few weeks now – and I finally decided tonight was the night to make a decision. I hashed it out with my husband over dinner. He knows me better than anyone, and he knows how I run, when I run, what my runs are like, and every other tiny detail you could think of. I could be honest about it all, and he would call me out if I wasn’t being true to what I was saying.

Here’s what I decided. I need an important goal. While 13 miles was a great challenge for me, what I TRULY want is to become a better runner. I want to get faster, and I want to become more consistent. I want the experience to be enjoyable, not – geez this 9 mile training run is going to take me close to 3 hours…please stab my eyeballs out with a fork.

I keep doing it, because it’s what my running group does. That’s what you do….you keep going.

The difference is I’m a girl who isn’t a natural runner. I really have found that running is something I’ll keep doing. I like to run. I like how I feel, the confidence it gives me – and I think about running a lot! It’s become part of my fiber.

What I’d like to do is get faster. I want to get to the point where I can do a 14-16 min mile – consistently. THAT’S a goal I can work towards. I want to run longer stretches with less intervals again like I used to do years ago. I want to not dread my runs, but enjoy them on an ongoing basis. If I know I’ll be running for 45 mins, not 2 hours, it’s not as overwhelming.

My fear is will I feel like I’m missing out if I don’t “prove” I can hang in there for the Princess half. I’ve all ready proven that. What I haven’t proven to myself is that I’ve become a better runner. I think I want 2011 to be about quality and becoming both stronger and faster. For now, shorter distances will be better for me…rather than “just getting by”. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that challenge, and I will still do 2 of the 4 races I’d set aside. I’m going to do one in the spring, one near the fall – so I still have the challenge there – but I think it’s time to focus on improving.

The more I think about this, the happier I am with this decision. Where is the goal of “just surviving” and scraping by? That’s not showing improvement….getting to the point where I run solid through a race, at a faster pace, and feeling better about my running in general is where I want to be.

I need to remember, my running has to be about me…not about what other people are doing. That can be hard at times, when so many people in the running group do SO MUCH MORE, but I”m not them, and they aren’t me. I need to run for me….and understand that my circumstances are different than theirs. My goals may be difference, my pace, my needs and wants.

I don’t run for medals…I run to feel good about myself. When you weight over 200 pounds, feeling good about yourself can be hard some days. Running makes me feel proud and confident. I want to continue to do that, just at a pace and goal that feels better to me right now.

You may understand, you may not…but that’s okay. I need to understand my own truth, not try to worry about “what other runners” are doing.

So there it is, I’m going to do the 5k in place of the half marathon in a few weeks. I’ll still do the Bucks County Half Marathon in April – because there isn’t a time limit, so I won’t worry about it, just do my thing, and it’s a beautiful park (read no cars), and it’s local (about an hour away). I’ll also do the Wild Half in Wildwood, NJ because it’s an inaugural and would be another chance to check out how I’m progressing.

I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders, because I know this is the right choice for me. I’ll be doing training runs between 1-5 miles for awhile, working on hill training, and adding speed a little bit at a time. I am ready to work on quality rather than distance. It’s the right transition for me at this time.

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It’s like I’m waiting on a sign…waiting for it to blink and say “Your motivation has arrived”. Yeah, that’s not happening, so I’m back to talking myself into moving again. It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that I’m lazy. Okay – well, you see my problem now. Nah, actually – once I’m dressed and ready to go – I’m fine and happy with running. It’s just that I talk myself out of it for so long, that I end up running during the night, because I’ve put it off all day. Why do I do that? I actually enjoy the process and how I feel afterward, but maybe I’ve convinced myself I don’t like it…who knows.

Anyway, I started up and I’ve got a long way to go. I feel confident that my lung capacity, which is now non-existent will come back quickly enough. I am pleased that my legs don’t bother me at all. They are kicking in and moving along just fine. They aren’t sore, and they know what to do…I like that part.

I’m also finding I can run just a little bit faster than I could before, but my walk/recovery period is longer, so I’m going to pull it back just a little, and then know that I’ll be able to increase my speed a little bit as my lung capacity is catching back up.

Just keep moving I tell myself. Force yourself to move…I’ve been sitting it out for a couple of months, and as I mentioned before, I’m good at lazy. I need to remind myself I’m good at going long distances too. It may take me awhile, but I get there – and I know how to keep going.

Training has started….next half is in late February – so until then, I’d better keep going!

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Woohoo! I got the go ahead from my doctor to start running again this week! (Was out with burned out adrenals, etc) I’m thrilled to finally be able to get moving again. My legs have spread like the marshmallow puff man from “Ghostbusters” – and I’ll be happy to find some semblance of muscle tone again in my life.

The thing is, I haven’t run in 2 months! Oh wait, there was that time I attempted to run for the bus at Disney, so I didn’t have to wait another 15-20 mins for my resort bus again. Yeah, rude awakening. What happened? My endurance, my lungs, my legs…yikes.

So…I’ll be starting again, from square one. I’m okay with that. I think that once I get moving with some consistency, I’ll regain my endurance in time for my next big run. (Princess Half Marathon)

I plan on starting with the C25k yet again, and about 4-5 weeks into it, I’ll start tacking on longer runs so that I can build up my endurance. It’s weird to have to start over again, but I don’t mind the challenge in front of me. This time, I all ready know that patience will reward me, and I know I CAN do it with the right training. That’s nice to have that little edge of confidence.

I just returned from vacation, so I didn’t want my first run to be on a day I was lagged over from travel, so I’ve waited an extra day or two. Today will be my first run in over 2 months! Can’t wait to get started again. I’m ready!

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